Wish you could see me now.. wish i could see you then..
hmm.. would you take any chance there is..? =)

mm.. i don't know how to say this.. its something like.. thinking of trying to make something special but not daring to go there.. for fear it was'nt meant to work out.. =/
But theres another side to it, something no doubt is important.. something like.. knowing i didnt have to hope for anything more than that..





Lets look forward shall we..? =) We can't help that time won't stop. Yea we can wish, as a form of cherishing and treasuring.. but it won't.. we forget this at times, but we rejoice during the other times when we realise it didnt have to.. especially when there are in fact many, many more beautiful moments to look forward to.. tho we never saw them coming in the first place.

Well, that may the beauty of it.. what makes it special by surprise, worth to remember, motivation for that something even more.. in the unexpected future.









Happy New Year everyone.. =)
Never give up hope on the people and moments you really love..
otherwise you don't really do.. you don't live twice even if u wish.. don't let them pass you by.
so take the plunge if it won't hurt no one.. =)



Stan,
please forgive me if i didn't say i love you every single day..~*

Its like gaining momentum all over again..

.... .. ..


Its all going too fast..
A year ago, on the same day..
It was like the start of the extremes.

I don't wanna think it'll be the same thing again.
It is'nt. But can i say i can wait..? As in.. will it still be up to me..?



I won't leave it alone if it still is..
I won't.



... ..



It was that same familiar barrier. Something like that barrier that was never taken down since the first.. and so.. couldnt have the view.. something was absent altho it was just there..

so near yet so far..

if not.. was pique the reason why..? I'd like to believe so.. But they say that something would save all that.. something like no matter what it is... ..
you'd be able to.




cry to me..
Stan,
and I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life..~*

To remember how to feel right again.. I admit.. This slips my mind, together with other simple mindsets that were repeatedly proven right..

by.. you. =)

Like.. It shouldnt matter, its meant to be... ... and patience.




To believe that everything will be fine again.. It never is that easy when im down.. but im not given up on.. thats the beauty of it.. =)



Pique.. it overrides all the right things, it says all the wrong things.. things that should not and do not matter, things that i dont really mean.. And i'm proving one of them wrong right now by doing this. But who else.. drives me to do that.. ...


I ask myself everytime i realise i can genuinely smile again.. how do u do that..? How do u.. hold on... Even though nobody else knows the answer as clearly as i should..






Its been a year of.. extremes. You've always forgiven me for all the sad moments..

And i thank you.. for the rest..








I pray.. we never stop believing..


Stan,
where're you gonna go.. salvation is here..~*

Above everything else..






You're genuine.













Please don't go, yet. Listen.







Stan,
do you.. want me, like i.. want you. or am i standing still, beneath the darkened sky.~*

Ive sorta let blogging pass me by ever since.. im not sure when.

I just, don't use it as a place i'd put things i want to have understood.. no. It is'nt for you to read and assume that you would be able to empathise.. no. Cos its more than that. Its something i wouldnt be able to explain. To anyone at all.. i can only show it, i can only prove it.. And hope it is appreciated and maybe.. maybe just give you that courage to be more than what you think you are. to me.

Been inspired somehow.. I don't know if it is bad to just leave things like it is and put my past beliefs away as it never fails to get overwritten by your very simple words that mean more than what you think they do by saying them. And the fact that you save me from all those menacing doubts, by just being there. for me.

It isnt anything else thats giving me the strength through purpose of putting this here. Am i going to cause even more worries and dilemmas again..? I feel better after typing all this, i do feel better, really. so please don't be worried.. Like i said, you just have to be there. Believe me please. ive sorta been convinced that i shouldnt be causing so much.. stress..? Time again as it undoubtedly has been proven to be unnecessary everytime it dissolves.. Before it resurfaces and tries to convince me otherwise.. again...

though i am afraid.. to some extent, cos i believed in, but im not sure how much i still do, that these things may be in danger of.. fading.. if not rejuvenated by unceasing, sensitive thinking and hopeful feeling.

Then again.. it may just be a simple fact that, i keep asking for more, though i never realised that i would when i havent had the privilege of having more in the first place. All these to keep it going.. letting it continue... ..



Do you feel it..? hope you do..


...
... ... ... =)



Stan,
and be hopeful, hopeful and he'll make a way, I know it ain't easy but that's okay. Cuz we hopeful~*

Ever felt that there was no way you could smile.. for that moment of your life? Ive grown enough to understand that you can never expect anyone else to know exactly how you feel, so you just keep it.. n i keep it.

I'm just waiting, to be convinced for being condemned for thinking too much, being too.. stupid. am i supposed to be like anyone else and learn to not care bout what i really care about now? If i told you i can't smile for the time being, would you believe me? and if i genuinely, genuinely explain to you that i do not want to spoil any of your days as you're my friends, and just leave to be on my own, would you blame me for being a party pooper? which one, pulling a long face for u guys to see, or leaving to prevent ur knowledge of this unnecessary obsession about sorting out everything i care about in my mind. Would you guys, being my friends (so as it seems) accept me for being like that, and try to at least understand why i want to be that way for awhile, that there are. days in my life that i have so much i want to be assured about, that i have, my thoughts to worry about? i love you guys.. but i'm bombed every single time you unconsciously prove to me that.. i may very well be on my own, as much as i don't want to believe it. how far are you guys going to go to be my strength during this time of my life.. and how far are we going to walk together before we just.. disappear for our personal lives..

I want to you guys to understand, but i dont want you guys to know.
that, i know is asking for the impossible. all of us are human, it would be unnatural to not be that way.

Its been years that ive been struggling to be myself, call me gay, call me a fag. ive accepted that altho i disagree. ive become stronger, but im still going to be myself and not pull back from what i believe in. and the best friends in life would be those who accept that as my individuality, as much as i do to you, for being urself, whether is it vulgar, high, straightforward, grungy, talkative, observative, critical. Just basically, different or rather. special. I want to make u guys feel special, but i can't if you condemn me for being myself.

wheres the love? or are we just mere acquaintences seeking for a satisfying social life?
don't you know, we may never have these kinda relationships anymore when we grow older. how much are you going to do to treasure this? im asking you not to sit back and just care about ur own problems. if i seem like that nowadays, its cause im tired of caring, of looking at u just to show that i appreciate ur humour, ur personality, and that i pull back tho i dont agree about some things, doesnt that show?

I know, in awhile after this is posted, i will. feel stupid again.
would you people i want to keep as friends save me from that rut..?
or you can just condemn me for being like that.. again.







Sigh.. these things had to happen.. i just don't have the power to know why yet..
Help me believe they are happening for good reasons..


Dear God.. enlighten me.. i'm sorry for drifting away.. please help me feel right again.. Thanks in advance..
cos i believe. =)


hmm.. Bon Jovi's a classic ain't it? x)

Stan,
We can pack up our old dreams and our old lives..~*

I'm sorry i never took the chance to play it personally.. im not that good and i don't wanna screw it up for you.
One day i will, i promise.

i was thinking.. and i think i was wrong. No matter what the definition is,
"forever" is different, for different things. In fact, its an expression, not a statement.
What you wished for, is not stupid, but rather its what you want to and believe in..

you understand? It means as long as it could last..
thats why, still, it is unpredictable..
but as long as we don't just let it go..
=)

Stan,
having said and done all that we never want to walk away from..~*